When I agreed to your decision of saying goodbye but none of us left I still thought of myself as yours and you as mine. But when you disappeared last time I felt immense pain inside me like the heart was snatched out of my chest and I was still alive to feel every single vain tear apart. When you found yourself someone new and you gave yourself to her I was at loss of words. I tried to focus on the goodbye which was more like I’ll always be here. I tried to be happy for you but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to hate you for hurting me that way but I did, still do. I want to forgive and forget but I can’t help but feel like a victim of your mind games. You haunt me each night showing off your new lady and laughing at the fact how easy that was for you to replace me. You’ve become the reasons for my sorrow. I don’t know what lies in future I wish it’s good for you at least. But I can’t help wishing for you to realize that you’ve destroyed me to the point where there’s no coming back. All I wish is to take away the power over me you have before it’s too much.
It was the salty smell of wet sand she missed,
It was the nights spent at the shore with millions stars over her she missed,
It was the running along the shore and soaking her feet was what she missed,
Yet above all she missed the hand she held while watching the sun set over the loud waves she was still wanted.
She stretched her arms forward on the table hoping for his. All she felt was cold hard rock glass and emptiness.
She was an independent girl who loved her freedom and loved her own company. She was one of those people who won’t get bored when they are by themselves in a new city, instead she enjoyed the adventure of finding new ways to her new place, trying out new food joints that served weirdest food combinations. She never mind walking by herself after work and dancing to the top 10 EDM songs on her own. She loved all of these.
Once in a while she would get lonely though, wondering if she is ever going to feel the warmth of another person. If she is ever going to wake up in the morning with a lovely man staring at her thinking how did he get so lucky. She always felt one end of the bed cold and lonely. She missed being in love, being loved and loving someone. She had this constant fight going on in herself where one half of her tells her everything is perfect and she was happy which she really was but there was this other half of her telling she has all that love inside her but no one to care for in that special way.
She doesn’t know what to do with all those voices in her head. She might end up going crazy. Or she might already has. Who knows!
She was a moron for loving him after knowing everything.
She took out her keys, got in her car, and started driving. She had no plan to go anywhere. She had just turned the music player on and kept driving wherever the road would take her. Unconsciously she was thinking of him and what they talked about 5 mins before she wished him well and said their last goodbye. It wasn’t the first time they had parted.
While she was lost in thoughts. She heard a familiar song.
They were laying on her tarece under a stary sky. It was summer and her birthday. He had came to her place to wish her with his favourite vegan chocolate cake. So typical him! (Hehe..) He had also made her a dvd of their memories. All the photos and videos of their and the playlist of their personal love songs.
She said if she could ask for something for her birthday. Of course he said yes. So she asked him to sing her a song. “Sing you something, I’m terrible at it. Haha I’m not singing”, he said. She frowned and got back to gazing the stars.
Suddenly she heard him sing.
The little things you do for me
And nobody else make me feel good
Little things you do for me
Making me smile
When no one else could that’s why
I like to sit next to you
And hear is your mad stories
I know they are not true
And i like that we share
A secret or two, together!
It was the same song playing on music player. They have always been the kind of couple who did little things for each other to make other feel special. Where is it all gone now? She finally lost it and cried herself rivers. By the side of a huge road somewhere on the highway she stopped her car and cried her heart out.
“Soon We’ll be dead for each other”, He said.
“Dead.?!”, *silence* “Hahaha”. She said, “How easy you make it sound.”
They knew it was time to end it. They knew it all along what was coming. They knew they were a lost cause.
Why did he had to come back? Why did she had to let him in? Why was she always putting herself in such situation where she’d get hurt. She was so mad at herself at that moment. She was so mad at him as well. But she understood him and that pissed her more.
So she puts on a smile that won’t reach her eyes and bids him goodbye and walks away with watery eyes.
It was a cold night. She had been working for hours now. As she was done with all of her work she realized that it’s 2 am in the morning and she needs to get her beauty sleep for tomorrow’s big presentation for her work. As always she brushed her teeth got into her comfy PJs and her fluffy socks. These were the things that would keep her cozy and calm through this hard time she was in. Before she knew she had fell asleep.
She was all dolled up in her favorite floral dress with her nude pumps and the black lather backpack which he had gifted her from his first salary. She had kept her hair open with big curls falling over her shoulder just the way he liked them. And she had made sure she doesn’t forget to bring his favorite cookies made by her mom.
As she reached to the cafe she saw him waiting for her on the same table they had their first date. He looked so handsome even after all these years. As she reached the table and joined him she felt a weird feeling in her stomach. There was something wrong. She was feeling restless all of a sudden. He was looking at her but it seemed like he couldn’t see her. As she reached out to his hand to ask if everything was fine, she found it impossible to reach him. Was she disappearing? It seemed like she was. Her voice was fading away.
Suddenly he got up and hugged a girl who appeared from God knows where. She was dusky tall girl with long black hair tied in a braid. It was her. The one with whom he fell in love with when he was still hers. Her head was spinning and aching so much. It seemed too much for her to handle. She heard a scream escape out of her mouth and when she opened her eyes she was in her bed.
It was the same dream. Again. He visits her. Again.
It sucks. It sucks wanting to be wanted by the one you want. She may not be making any sense whatsoever to others. But she exactly knew what she was going through. And it was surely hurtful.
She was felt special by him whenever he needed her. But that wasn’t love on his part. That was something cruel. Something that crushed her heart. Bruised her soul. Shattered all her faith. Made it impossible for her to dream.
She loved him even though she knew he was not good for him. She loved him with all his flaws and all his faults. She loved him with all his darkness. She would hug him nd touch his face with gentle care when he would get low. And in return he would leave her hanging there and would keep her waiting when she needed him the most. He would make her feel like she was not good enough and then he would disappear. And it wasn’t just once.(She is an emotional fool, I must say.)
This sucks. Every time she promises herself that she won’t let him get back in her life. And every time she ends up letting herself down.
She was losing hope. She was losing herself. Guess that’s exactly how heartbreaks work. If it is her fault she wonders. If it’s always been her that things never work for her in love life. May be it is. But there’s nothing to be done about it. She shall just put that smile on her face and carry on with her life.